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Looking for a Family

"Looking for family................who do I look like????"

Photo by Alice McKinnon

 


Marnie Tetz

President

 

Eight years ago I became what I call a 'united' adoptee. The Post Adoption Registry in Alberta had matched me with a brother who had also registered. (I say united because we had never been together, like a mother and child) The following year I paid for a search and my mother was found. The next year I was united with another brother and sister. I had started my search almost 20 years before.

I had been placed as a 16 day old infant with my adoptive family, who also had adopted a daughter five years before me. We always knew we were adopted, but didn't talk about it. It wasn't until my sister and I were 28 and 33 that we 'snooped' and found our adoption orders. Naively we thought we could write the province of Alberta and just get our information. That was in 1983, we had no idea that we weren't entitled to 'our' information that would tell us about 'us'.

Many things have changed since then. Alberta, as well as B.C., Newfoundland, Ontario and the Yukon now have open records. With more and more adopted adults as well as mother's and father's deciding that they need to find each other there is definitely a need for support organizations.

The Forget Me Not Family Society has been a life saver for me. The fellow that did the search for my mother has been a long time friend of past President, Nancy Kato, and had referred me to the Society. I first attended support group meetings thankfully discovering that I was not alone in all of my intense feelings. I became a director, and then 2 years later Vice President. At the AGM in 2010 I took over the role of President. I am honored to be a part of this organization that 'get's what it is to have been affected by adoption.

 

 

Audrey Harrington

Audry Harrington

Vice President


Audrey has been reunited with her daughter, Randi, since June 2005 and is still in the "honeymoon" stage. Audrey is actively supported by her partner, Doug Funk, their son, Ken, and the rest of her extended family in forging a strong relationship with Randi and children, Anthony and Robbie. This still-working-at-a-day-job Grandmother willingly shares her networking and fundraising skills to actively support the ongoing work of Forget Me Not.

 


 

Gail DaviesGail Davies

Treasurer

 

 

Gone the days of sweet innocent youth
For now you are sitting in the booth
Of life ahead
And in its stead
A new world unfurled, as in an ancient melody
Which tells of what might be
But look, look ahead and you will see
A way to think and to be
Whatever your dreams may see.

I wrote that poem when I was 16 years old and it is still applicable today.
 

 

I grew up in White Rock and would have been born there but as there was no hospital, I was born in New Westminster.

My parents split up when I was seven and my younger brother, sister and I were raised by our father.

In January, 1965 I was sent to live in the Maywood Home for Unwed Mothers on Oak Street, in Vancouver and on April 25, 1965 my eldest daughter was born and consequently taken from me and placed for adoption. I was never again able to drive down Oak Street until after I found my daughter.

When my daughter was about 6 months old, I wrote to Family Services asking for information about her. They told me that she was well and happy and that she had two teeth at five month's old and to never write again, as they would never give me anymore information. I was so upset that I tore up the letter. Now I wish that I had not.

In 1974, I had a second daughter and when she was two I co-founded the Mt. Pleasant Family Centre Society, in Vancouver. While I was there I was able to talk to a social worker, who was helping us, about my daughter and asked her if there was any way that I could get any information. She told me that there was not but that there was talk of some day having a reunion registry. I later found that about that same time my eldest daughter's family was also trying to find information about me. She was now eleven years old.

When my youngest daughter was 9, she one day out of the blue asked me if she had a sister. I had never talked to anyone about her sister but for some reason she had a feeling that she had a sister. I thought about it and decided to tell her that she did. She immediately wanted me to search for her sister. I told her that that was not possible. Again later, I found that my eldest daughter, who was now 18, was actively searching for me.

Around February, 1992, I found out that there was a reunion registry. I registered and on August 29, I was reunited with my daughter who had also registered. Also, at this time I telephoned, wrote letters and let everyone of my family and friends know about my daughter. I could not believe the outpouring of love that I received back. It was so overwhelming, everyone wanted to meet her, and she was whole-heartedly accepted as part of the family.

After finding my daughter, I joined Missing Pieces Through Adoption and became the Secretary/Treasurer and later Treasurer for the Forget Me Not Family Society, a position I still hold today.

For about the first 15 years of our reunion things went quite well, or so I thought, but now for about the last two years our reunion has changed and now there is little communication. I can now only hope that one day the anger will dissipate and that we can have some form of a relationship and if not, I wish her only happiness which is what I have always wanted for her. Once again, as when she was taken from me, I have no choice and no voice but at least now I do know where she is.
 
 


 

Gloria Sweder

Secretary

 

In January 2007 as a result of the work of a wonderful gentleman referred to me by the Society, I talked to one of my half brothers. By the next morning I had an email with pictures from him and it was headed “Good Morning Sister”.  It sounds a little corny but truly my heart sang! It was like there had been a huge hole inside of me that was now filling up.

Sadly to say as a result of my procrastination, I lost the chance to meet either of my birth parents as they had both passed away.  But, I have re-united with my 5 half siblings (Birthmother’s children). I especially got the sister I have always wanted. These people have so totally accepted me into their families.  I cannot believe how blessed I have been.  As an only child I always wanted siblings and boy I got them.  My Birthfather had 10 children and  I am now trying to make contact with them. This might come under the category of be careful what you wish for!

I joined the executive of Forget Me Not Family Society in April 2007 and am currently the Secretary. If I could one day help someone find the joy that I have, nothing could make me happier.

 

 


 

 

Sandra Walters

Director

 

Born in the Yukon Territory, I was adopted as an infant in the closed adoption system of the 1960’s.  Then, everyone was encouraged to forget the fact that the adopted child also has a biological family.  For many decades I, like so many adoptees, actively suppressed a natural curiousity about the circumstances of my birth: the identity of my biological mother and father, who I look like, and why I was placed for adoption.

Then, my adopted brother was found by his birth mother who had been looking for him for over 15 years!  As I watched them begin a journey of discovery and healing and I was overwhelmed with emotions.  I realized I had a strong desire to find out more about my own identity through my birth family.  Needing information and support from people who could understand what I was going through, I was shocked to learn that there is only one search and reunion support organization for adoptees and birth parents in the Lower Mainland of British Columbia: it’s the Forget Me Not Family Society!

Run completely by volunteers, the Society is dedicated to helping others on the  adoption search and reunion journey.  The members provided me with referrals and resources and helped with my search.  They also gave me lots of encouragement and a sympathetic ear.  When I saw volunteers dedicate so much of their time and energy through a genuine care and concern for others, it inspired me to get involved.

In April 2003, I became a member of the Board of Directors for the Society and served as the Society Secretary.  A year later, I became the Newsletter Editor and we re-commenced publication of the quarterly Newsletter, Adoption Circles.  The Newsletter is full of stories, poems, articles, news and information relating to adoption search and reunion.  If you have some original writing relating to adoption that you would like to submit for publication, please forward it to the Editor at: walters.sandra@shaw.ca.

 

Amy NewmanAmy Newman

Director

 

I’ve been a professional “people-searcher” since 1999, when I was employed by a company that specializes in locating missing heirs to estates. I started my own research company in 2005. Although I gain satisfaction from documenting and locating beneficiaries and heirs for law firms, the most touching cases are those that involve reuniting long lost family members, especially adoptees.
 
One of the reasons I joined the FMNFS was to learn more about the various issues that may affect my clients who are part of the adoption triangle, so that I can better support them in their reunion. The insight I gain from listening to other FMNFS members share their stories helps me too, as I have been personally affected by adoption.
 
I was happily reunited with my oldest son and his family in 1993 and we were fortunate to have a smooth reunion, in spite of me jumping on a plane as soon as possible to go stay with them for a week. It was wonderful! Bryan fit right into his first family and has much in common with his half-siblings. In addition to a son, I gained a sense of relief, completion and peace. We live far away from each other but the visits back and forth are great.  
 
Although much of my buried grief was healed because of the reunion, I was surprised that a scar was still there. The word ‘adoption’ still held a sting for me and it took years for that to soften. Our reunion brought up feelings in other family members as well, but we all got through it.
 
To achieve the best possible outcome for the search and reunion experience I strongly recommend that searchers read up on adoption issues, attend support groups and if needed, get some professional counseling. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, and get ready for the emotional roller-coaster ride of reunion.

 

Heather AlbrechtHeather Albrecht

Director

 

I was four months old when I came to my adoptive home. Prior to this I spent several days at the home where I was born, then was transferred to a foster home. For about two weeks I spent time in hospital as well. Needless to say my bonding was very much affected.
 
I always knew I was adopted, told from a very young age. Coming from an era where illegitimacy was very much a secretive subject; any discussion about it was limited. I hated the word adoption, and felt singled out from the norm. When I found my documents by accident I found I had another name and this troubled me.

I often found myself thinking about my parents, and this often haunted me. I felt I wasn’t really like others and somewhere out there were two people who I really belonged to, but where? I also had the idea that I looked and acted like my natural mother. Being often reminded that I was their (adoptive parents) child did not set well with me. I knew the difference by this time.

The Forget Me Not Family Society likely was just barely in operation, when I began my investigation. I read books, collected material on adoption. A book my Clare Marcus, inspired me to continue my search; thus many letters were written but getting no where except when I was in touch with Parents Finders in Edmonton by another group (now out of operation). When I wrote to Post Adoption Registry of Saskatchewan, they told me that my mother had put in a request for mutual contact; this was like music to my ears. I wrote for other pieces of information about my life, and received two pages of information. From there I proceeded for contact, this meant I prepared a letter of my status, reason for contact and expectations. I will never ever forget the day when my mother’s first letter arrived, I secretly read. Since then I have re-read it many times over. Until I received my non-identifying information my adoptive parents did not know of my doings, until little by little I surfaced a few details from those pages received. I do not recommend this, and even though it was a shock to them they supported me from that point onward.


Just over two years, searching for a particular book I logged onto Forget Me Not Family Society site. The recipient who took care of my request invited me to their support group. That has become an ongoing educational schooling for me in my adoption journey. I often wondered what I could do in return to the society for what it has done for me, and finding myself as director, is the first step. If asked what is reunion “Just two people with different kinds of love”. 

 

 

Bernadette Rymer

Bernadette RymerDirector

  

I am a reunited mum. In the Spring of 1970 my beautiful daughter was born. I was 19 years old. As I was raised in a very large and very religious family, my parents were very secretive about my ‘situation’ and I was sent to live in a home for unwed mothers. Adoption was presented as the only way to give my child loving parents and a good life. It was made clear to me that I would not be able to give her the love and caring she needed. The message was loud and clear that I was not fit to mother my child. I was assured that I would get on with my life and forget ‘all about it’. I never forgot- not for one minute, and while I did get on with my life, I was not very successful.

When I lost my daughter on that dreadful day in 1970, I was so traumatized that I became seriously disabled by the secrets surrounding me, by the shame I felt and by my shattered sense of self. The effects of this trauma lasted many years, up to our reunion and many years into the reunion process.

My daughter and I have been in the reunion process for 18 years. The first years were tough for us both as we struggled with our feelings and worked through what we wanted and how to develop a meaningful relationship. Our relationship improved dramatically as we became involved in the FMNFS. My daughter became involved first and then introduced me to the society in October 2008. This was my first opportunity- after 38 years to talk about my experience, that loss of my daughter and the trauma that had stunted my growth. I found friends that felt more like family, and love and support from other birth mums, adoptees and adoptive parents. I no longer think of myself as a birth mum, and now fully embrace the reality that I am a mum, and so proud of it! I am also a grand mum which fills we with pride and delight.

Since becoming involved in the FMNFS a passion has stirred within me to reach out to others who have similar experiences, heartaches, struggles and successes in the reunion process. In April 2010 I began my work as a Member of the Board of Directors of the FMNFS. I look forward to working with members and friends of the society as together we support each other in the reunion process and we continue to raise awareness provincially, nationally and internationally, about issues relation to adoption and reunion.

When my daughter turned 22 my sister placed an ad in the newspaper: Birth mother wishes to reunite with her daughter, born.... My sister did not ask or tell me about this as she did not want me to be hurt if no contact was made. However, my daughter had been reading this column every birthday since she was 18. We made contact and the long reunion process began. It was both a painful and joyful process, with lots of false starts, pulling back, facing fears, and dealing with anger at how we were victimized by society, the church and my parents, learning about and facing the reality of what happened and eventually growing into a loving relationship.

My daughter will turn 40 this year. Both our lives are filled with hurt and now thankfully they are filled with healing. This healing process will never be over but I am confident that over time the hurt will lessen and the healing will open our hearts to more joy, laughter and sharing. I now have two gorgeous grandchildren and while I know that I can never make it up to my daughter for our lost past, I can be a loving, supportive presence in her life now, and I can be a doting grandmother to her children.

I want to thank the FMNS, Without you I would never have had the courage to move forward from hurt to healing, from despair to hope, from isolation to relationships and from mere existence to living a full, healthy and happy life.