For anyone going through search and reunion (or assisting those who are), it’s important to be prepared. It helps a great deal to understand the ‘why’ behind the sometimes baffling reactions and unexpected behaviour of other people. Nancy Verrier’s seminar “Awareness, Authenticity and Accountability” gave me greater insight into how and why members of the adoption triad are affected and what to do about it.

 

Here are some of the things from that weekend that stood out for me:

 

Just like when… 

The session began with the topic of Separation Trauma and how infants’ brains are affected after being separated from their mother. Experiences are the chief architect of the brain. The ‘primal wound’ theory is not just based on psychology but is about brain structure and brain chemistry. She spoke about the amygdala (limbic brain), which stores sensory memories and triggers a ‘fight or flight’ response to any event that vaguely resembles a past trauma. For instance, a war veteran suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder might drop to the ground and take cover when a car backfires, when their amygdala was protecting them from enemy sniper fire! So it’s no wonder that adoptees may unconsciously back off in relationships, fearing that the other person will ‘go away’ like their mother once did. It’s unnatural for babies to be separated from their mothers!

The information about the amygdala and limbic response not only helps me understand the reactions in adoption reunions; it’s useful to be aware of it when dealing with people in general. We all have our traumas, some bigger than others, and behave irrationally at times. How many times have you heard someone say, “I don’t know what got into me, but I just flipped out,” “What’s eating him?” or “She must be having a bad day, she don’t usually react like that.” Well, now I know it’s just their amygdala responding! Understanding ‘why’ helps us to avoid reacting back and making matters worse. Of course, reactions are not always ‘fight’; some people will withdraw due to a ‘flight’ response.

 

Mistaken beliefs often arise from separation trauma. Mothers may feel “I have no right to have children”. Studies indicate that 40% to 60% of mothers who relinquished a child never have another one. Both moms and adoptees may feel victimized: “I’m helpless to change anything, I have no impact.”

 

One of the eye-openers for me is that adoptees may sense “I don’t have the right to exist” and “No one will notice if I am gone.” Notice the word ‘sense.’ These may not be conscious thoughts because it’s deep down in the non-verbal, baby-memory stored in the amygdala. This person seldom or never initiates contact and doesn’t respond to letters and emails. The birth mother must initiate contact, which is not always as easy as you may think. I’ve spoken with moms who feel paralyzed by their own trauma, their feelings of low self-worth inhibit them from searching. Both mother and child may feel unworthy, undeserving, unimportant, lacking in impact – you’ve got to give credit to the mother-child bond that fights through these impediments for the courage to search, and to stick with it when a reunion doesn’t run smoothly.

 

Adoptees are always trying to figure out how to fit into their adoptive family and have a subconscious fear of more loss. They may feel afraid to be wrong, they can’t decide on things easily, and aren’t sure what their opinion ‘should’ be.

Unless they have done a lot of healing along the way, both adoptees and moms may feel overly sensitive to what others do and say, yet may be insensitive to how their own behaviour affects others. It’s no wonder that some reunions are challenging. People feel hurt and frustrated that their reunion is not the fairy-tale they once imagined. Even if they have a compatible reunion, it still hurts because there is no such thing as closure and no end to the feeling of loss.

 

Nancy provided many more of these tendencies that are common to adoptees and birth/first moms. If some of these descriptions sound familiar to you and you are pretty sure you are not adopted, yes, let’s face it, we ALL have little (or big) traumas and hurts from our childhood in our imperfect families. What makes it harder for adoptees is that babies experience the trauma of separation before they are verbal so they haven’t any memories of why they feel the way they do or how to express it with words, unlike an adult rape victim who can remember how she used to think and feel before the traumatic event.

I think some people may be more resilient by nature and don’t seem as strongly affected by adoption; however, it may be they have just been fortunate enough to have had nurturing environments that helped them process and heal from the effects of their trauma. It is more likely that the feelings are just deeply buried. Even those who consider themselves well-adjusted may be surprised that the affects of separation suddenly show up during a reunion.

 

We still must take responsibility to heal and improve ourselves. “I can’t help it, the Devil (my amygdala) made me do it” is not a good excuse for bad behaviour. Knowing the cause helps us be aware of our own reactions so we can train ourselves to respond differently and release our authentic self. Reactions that arise from a limbic response to a past trauma are not based on our authentic self. We must be authentic to be in a truly intimate relationship. Stop reacting; instead, try responding to the situation, not the feeling. Give the benefit of the doubt. It’s all in the past. Get out of the victim role.

 

I really enjoyed the Nancy Verrier workshop and it was great to meet her in person. She was approachable, warm, sincere and knowledgeable. Another benefit was being with other attendees, deepening existing connections, making new friends and hearing their stories.

 

There was so much more that we learned at the workshop than I can include here. Read “Coming Home To Self” by Nancy Newton Verrier if you want a deeper understanding of adoption issues. The book is well organized, with many topics in separate sections and clear headings, so it’s easy to find things using the table of contents. Nancy is also the author of “Primal Wound.”